Right this very minute, I am feeling very similar to how I felt towards the end of my “Smoking Journey.”
I started smoking when I was about 13 or 14 – - why? I am not entirely sure. Kinda dumb, huh? No, wait, that was a whole lotta dumb. I know that once I started smoking, I fit more into “this” group than “that” group. I had already been put in “this” group by my school peers – - so, the fall wasn’t all that hard. LOL! For those smokers (and ex-smokers) out there, you know when I say, once you are a smoker, you belong to this elite group – - the ones that actually get their breaks, the ones that are outside freezing their asses off….but, laughing the whole time. Man, sometimes being a smoker was so great. I liked it more than I disliked it. (Which can explain why I was a smoker for so long, huh?) For YEARS, I talked about quitting. And talked. And talked. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t really want to. And yet, there were moments that I did. I am not entirely sure how I did it – - but, I decided that enough was enough – - and at one point, I felt myself “cross-over” – - like I stepped over some line in the sand. I had decided to quit smoking on April 9^th (two days before my birthday – - my gift to myself, if you will). I decided on this date because it was a Monday, the beginning of the school/work week – - and if I was a complete and total fucking nutcase, I would be one, alone for at least MOST of the day!! : ) Then, I found out that the kids would have Monday off – - for whatever reason – - and I was going to “allow” myself to continue smoking that extra day. Know What? When I woke up Monday morning, I had no desire for a cigarette…..and for the most part (95 % or more of the time) I have absolutely no desire to smoke AT ALL!!!

So all this digressing was to illustrate that I am feeling the same way I did when I crossed that imaginary line. I am seriously ready for change. Of course, this doesn’t mean that it will all happen today – - or even tomorrow….but, I think I am finally ready to face my demons. I think I am ready to be as honest with myself as I am with everyone else. (And let me just say, being honest with yourself is probably hardest, second only to forgiving yourself.) Now, it’s not that I am just sittin’ over here saying to myself, “Yeah, the grass is blue, the sky is green” – - not that kind of lying. I am talking about the kind where you have to say, “No matter what I perceive to be someone else’s “fault” I am now willing to accept my responsibility in whatever it is – - and in doing so, I will no longer wait for “them” to fix me – - or for “them” to take care of such-and-such……I will take the steps necessary to take care of myself.” I am sure that this revelation will seep over into other areas….but, for now, I am mostly focused on really getting myself physically “healthy.”

Some of you may know about my Organic kick – - how ’bout my Raw Food kick, remember that? Although I think I did pretty good in the Organic Department – - for quite a long time…..eventually, I pushed it to the side. A year or so ago, after reading about being a raw foodist, I attempted to try my hand at it. Less than three days later, I had a sugar crash from Hell!!! I wasn’t sure what happened – - or what I did wrong – - but, I immediately stopped the “Raw Diet.” I knew this was not some form of cleansing – - I knew that I had crashed my blood sugar – - and I knew it was dangerous.

Most of you know that I am pretty darn close to being a vegetarian – - I don’t like meat much – - but, since I do eat some meat (in small quantities) it disqualifies me from the Vegetarian Group. I’ve thought about going Vegetarian – - even Vegan – - but, the effort it would take to feed everyone else “normal” and myself vegan (or whatever) has just been too much – - especially since the whole sugar crash thing scared the shit out of me.

No matter what, though, the thoughts have been there. The desire has been mounting. And tonight, I found out what I did wrong – - and it is FIXABLE – - which means that I can try again!!!!! So, what went wrong, you ask? I wasn’t eating enough.
At the time, I assumed that since I stopped everything non-Raw, cold-turkey (no pun intended), I crashed out my sugars because I went from drinking sweet tea ALL day long to drinking water. What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t the tea – - it was the amount of food. I was eating an apple or two for breakfast, a salad with a fruit for lunch and usually dinner, too. That was just not enough food. This is not to say that the lack of sweetness (from the tea) did not contribute to the overall feeling of ‘funky-ness,’ ’cause I am sure that there needs to be some consideration for that, as well; however, it is clear to me that my biggest problem was that I was starving myself. Obviously, that is not good; nor, is it healthy!!

So, now you’re wondering how I found this out, huh? Well, I was doing some more research on Raw Foods (see, seriously, it has been at the forefront of my thoughts for a while) and I ran across a blog that Ei has suggested before: www.stevepavlina.com. He does all kinds of 30-day trials – - and in January (2008) he did a 30-day Raw Food Trial. He listed everything he ate – - with photos……HOLY SHIT!!! Seriously, the first day for breakfast, he ate more than 8 POUNDS of food. I don’t think I ate 8 pounds the entire three days.
So, of course, I was all kinds of excited. Then, I went to bed. HELLO????i can NOT go to sleep if my brain isn’t shut down – - so, I had to get back up in order to type this damn blog.
At this point, I think I need to do some more research – - and find additional information (and menu ideas) – - and really think about how I can manage this – - PLUS feed the other two other stuff (cooked). I also need to face some really icky things about myself – - where my diet/health is concerned – - and I need to do it soon.
Stay tuned for more…..

Last month I went to the OB/GYN Doctor to discuss “hormones.” Let’s digress for just a minute….

For a LONG time now, I have been ‘tired.’ I have zero energy – - and doing stuff just makes me exhausted. I am anemic – - have been for years. Last year, they tried to fix that problem with two IV’s of Iron. It didn’t work – - which tells me that the anemia is NOT iron deficiency. So what is it, then? Also, last year, I had a thyroid test done (both the Free T4 and the TSH) – - the Free T4 was below normal and the TSH was LOW, in the normal range. No one seemed to be concerned about that (because if I had a thyroid problem, my TSH would be sky high, they said)- – which is why they decided to go with the Iron IV’s. Since they didn’t help, I started doing my own research – - and found that if you have a below normal reading for the Free T4 and a below normal OR LOW, but normal reading for the TSH, it is a pituitary problem. So, I went in that direction and discovered Sheehan’s Syndrome. It is a pituitary problem (all hormones regulated by the pituitary can be effected) originating from a severe bleed during pregnancy that can, months or years later, present itself. When I was pregnant with Kyle, my placenta separated from my Uterus and I was bleeding profusely – - requiring an emergency C-Section. Fast Forward to last month…….

After throwing a fit, the doctor finally did the tests – - almost all of the test results were LOW; however, since the results are measured by what time of the menses cycle you are in, they COULD be considered “normal.” (Which they did.)

On Friday, I went to the Dermatologist because of the brown blotches on my face. Since I have already done the research, I knew it was Melasma (or “The Mask of Pregnancy”). Melasma is a skin condition presenting as brown patches commonly on the cheeks, bridge of nose, forehead and upper lip. It mostly occurs in women, particularly those with darker skin tones. The cause is unknown; however, it is most commonly associated with pregnancy. Birth control pills, a change in hormonal status and hereditary are also common.

Since I haven’t (and won’t) speak to my Bio-Mom, I’m not sure if this is something that she (or anyone else in the family) has (or had). I am also not of the “normal” skin tone that is associated with this condition. AND finally, I am neither p0regnant nor am I on any sort of birth control. All of this leads me to believe that it is hormonal in nature – - and it just makes my belief in Sheehan’s that much stronger.

WARNING – - The following information is female in nature (so, for my male readers, you may want to stop here – - or be warned that you are entering WOMAN territory. LOL!! : ) Also, it may be TMI for some of you!!

Oh, and last month, the doctor asked me if I thought my periods were abnormal. Well, they are mine – - and I don’t know what to compare it to – - so I said, I didn’t think so. It didn’t occur to me to ask you guys what your periods are like, so that I could compare mine – - to see if perhaps it is abnormal and should be addressed. I know this is a “tender” subject – - and since I am asking you to share – - I will, too.

My periods are pretty regular. The first two days I bleed (in my opinion) pretty heavily. (I change a regular sized tampon every one to two hours). I also have pretty good sized clots (dime to penny sized). After the second day, it tones down quite a lot – - changing tampons about every 4 to 6 hours. I will also wear “Insteads” – - and they will last about 12 hours. Usually it is all over by day number 5 or 6.

Those of you who are willing to share your information, thank you, in advance!!