Day 2: Level 2: What are your Values in Life?

Ei posted a Wordle on her blog – - and it inspired me to do a Wordle on “My Values.”
Anyway, without further ado, here is “My Values Wordle:”

And here it is in order of importance:

Day 2: Level 1: Commit to Take Once Empowering Action Daily

In Soul Coaching, Denise suggests we commit to making one empowering action daily for the next 27 days (the remaining length of the program). She listed several examples of daily commitments.
As I stated previously, I will work on this at my own pace; however, I do want to at least make some sort of “commitment” that I can gage (with time/dates).
I, commit to clutter-clearing and cleaning my kitchen for 10 minutes per day from today (12/18/2008) until the New Year with back-up’s for those days I miss (due to the Holiday festivities or the like) and/or if I were to finish.

Today, I cleared out and cleaned the three shelf cabinet that is above my freezer. I also cleared out the baking pans from my “baking cabinet;” although, I have not gotten (the baking items) completely cleaned and stuff culled, cleaned and put away.

Tomorrow my goal is to get the baking section completed.

In Something More, Sarah asked “So which is worse, regretting what you did – - or regretting what you didn’t do?”

Whoosh!! Like a tidal wave, memories came rushing back to me….the time I made a comment about divorce in counseling, the night I met the asshole, begging off the tour of the town, asking her THAT one question…. seriously, it was like this intense tsunami. But, it didn’t end there. I thought about what coulda happened if I would have……finished high school, gone to college right after HS, escaped before I got pregnant, not gone into the Army.

Sydney Smith said it best when he said: “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things did not do that is inconsolable.”

Some days, the guilt and regret for the things I have done, feels as though it outweighs the regret concerning things I have not done; however, from experience, I know that time is one of the greatest salves for our emotional sores.

I sure hope she addresses HOW to deal with the regret/guilt issue(s) – - that is the kind of education that I am in dire need!!

Day 1: Level 3 (Part 2) Life Questions

In Denise Linn’s book, Soul Coaching, she lists several life questions on day 1. Right now, I am pretty ’stagnant’ as far as what is going on in my life…..In some ways I feel like I am ‘recovering.’ Anyway, the reason for saying all that is ’cause, after looking at some of the questions, I am just not yet able to give what I would call, “complete” thoughts.

Where am I now in my life: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
~ I feel like I answered a lot of these the other day…but, I will answer them again. Mentally: For the most part, I feel like I am on auto-pilot and just kinda sludging along day after day. In the last 8 years, I have had TWO children in SRS custody (four years total), I’ve been in court for several things: ex-husband threatened to slit my throat, custody for boy-child, adoption of older two, custody of older girl-child, criminal issues for older girl-child; My beloved hubby was diagnosed with a brain-tumor; my older girl-child was missing for 9 weeks in Kansas City, Missouri; moved across country TWICE in less than six months; graduated from college….can you see where I am going with this…I am TIRED and I seriously feel like my brain has shut down. Emotionally: Ditto all that crap before… Physically: I am a fat, ass cow…..who, incidentally, is a sugar whore. I haven’t been “active” in about a year. I sit in front of the fucking computer and drone. Oh, but I did quit smoking almost two years ago. Spiritually: Ha ha ha….nope. I’m really not spiritual. I want to be….but, it is not logical – - and I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

What does the purpose of my life seem to be?
~ LMMFAO!! Uh, see how much shit I can put up with before I explode and go postal? Actually, I have no idea what my “purpose” is. This is one of those spiritual areas that I really want to believe that there is a purpose……ya’ll got any ideas?

What would I like my purpose to be?
~ When I was younger I had always wanted to be a teacher. Then, I wanted to be a lawyer. Then I went to college….NIX to the teaching profession. Then, with all of my court experience, I have learned that I don’t want any part of the job of a lawyer. NIX to that, too.

What am I passionate about?
~ My family.
I can tell you that there have been several common themes in my life…..I can find people (and I like it), I LOVE the law, I am a champion for the “under dog.”

What gives me immense joy?
~ My family. Learning. Helping people from afar.

What is my spiritual source?
~ I have lots of sources that make me question life and what it all means.

Is my life consistent or in alignment with my values?
~ Actually, I am getting close – - really close. It use to drive me crazy that I was a smoker and wanted to have a frugal, healthy and environmentally friendly life. WTF? How hypocritical is that? I recycle as much as my community allows….I burn paper and then put the ash in my compost pile…..I compost everything I can….We live within our means….drive as little as possible (most of the time)…..

How do other people see me? How do I see myself?
~ I’m not really sure how people see me. I tend to focus on all of the things I am lacking or that need work….which I project onto what I would think people would think about me.
I think when I evaluate myself fairly, I am pretty good at seeing myself for who I am. (The problem is that most of the time, I am focused on the negative.)
I see myself as an fiercely loyal person (past the point of good-for-me and almost to the point of turning this quality negative) who is way too emotional, but doesn’t know how to manage the emotions properly so they often get blown out of proportion. I tend to jump into project that I LIKE with both feet, only to abandon ship when I get bored (a short time later). I am of average intelligence (or a tad more) but I know my limitations, which means that I really don’t know shit – -which is really humbling. I tend to be over critical and judgmental (always comparing myself to people/situations). Way too honest….couple that with my tactlessness and you have an explosive mix!!

What qualities would I use to describe who I am now?
~ LOL! See my description of myself above.

What qualities describe the person I would like to be?
~ I would like to learn how to TEMPER some of my more intense personality traits (loyalty, honestly, tactless, boredom, laziness) to be more socially acceptable. I would also like to give a practicing Catholic (who lacks it) all my guilt issues!! I would also like to get some of that “ten-foot-tall-and-bullet-proof” mindset that I had before I went to college – - and especially when I was a teenager. I want to be super-active….and eat super-healthy!!!

What have I been putting off doing?
~ Seriously? Everything. Yeah, can I add less procrastination to the question above….or did I wait too long?

What do I need to forgive myself/forgive other for?
~ Good Grief…did I mention my Catholic Guilt Issues? Oh, and my judgmentalness??

What do I want to do with the remainder of my life?
~ Get Healthy, Home School my kid until she is old enough to take GED, Travel/Work one year jobs in new places/do a little “find people” on the side, become a pilot…..

What is really important to me?
~ My family…..Bucket List….No Pain….Rules….

What are my goals?
~ I’m still working on those. I occasionally write down or state some things that I want to accomplish – - but, usually it just sits in my head until my body decided that it’s a good idea…..at which time, it just is. Nothin’ to it. No major work – - it just is, what it is.

I have been blessed with skills/gifts. What are they?
~ Again, almost too “spiritual” for me….but…..
I am really good at finding people.

Am I using these skills?
~ Uh, no. I have to tell you, it was almost a sick and twisted irony that my kid was missing for 9 weeks and I wasn’t able to find her…..as a matter of fact, I couldn’t seem to get a good grip on it, at all. See, it’s moments like that where I question the whole higher power idea. I mean, what sick fuck would let some shit like that happen – - and to top it off, fuck with my “gift” by bestowing THAT irony on me?

In Sarah’s book Something More, the topic is still ‘choices.’
At the end of the particular segment I read last night, she asks some pointed questions which I felt were relevant:

Q: What is your style of decision making….deliberate? Impulsive? Comatose?
A: Each decision I make has it’s own ’style.’ For instance, in most daily tasks, I am typically utilizing the comatose method.
When I sense a ‘major’ decision is needed, like should we buy a home, I TRY to look to others for advice, think/talk it over and try to make as deliberate a decision as possible.
If something is, in my opinion, emotional, or I feel like it needs to be addressed immediately – - like whether or not I take my kid to the ER, I tend to be impulsive.
Each style has proven its worth and its pitfalls.
I would also like to note that the older I get, the more I learn which style should go with which circumstance. I still tend to make a lot of mistakes in this arena.

Q: Do you make choices with your heart, mind or gut?
A: When I was younger, and to a degree even now, I typically made decisions impulsively from the heart. I have learned the hard way that making all decisions in this manner is bad for my mental-health. LOL!
I still tend to have a “first reaction” to decisions; however, I TRY to temper MOST of them by deliberate actions (asking for advice, requesting more time, talking to hubby, etc.) I tend to make emotional decisions impulsively, with my heart – - and it has gotten (and still gets) me into BIG TROUBLE!!!

Q: Are you comfortable with your style of decision making, or do you cringe?
A: Except for the “emotional, impulsive, make an immediate decision with my heart” thing, I am fairly comfortable.
I do realize that I am a bit of a social retard – - AND – - I lack the gift of tact….so, I try really hard to “get prepared” prior to making (in my opinion) “major decisions.” (If that “major decision” happens to be an emotional one, unfortunately, I usually fall back into the emotional response….which is REALLY frustrating!!)

Q: What about trying a different approach?
A: Dude!! I am constantly trying to get better at this – - and I will continue to do so!! Oh, and hey, any advice or ideas is appreciated!!

Day 1: Level 3: Assessing Your Physical Environment

BEDROOM
I feel safe, protected, and nourished in my bedroom.
~ I feel safe and protected…..not sure about the “nourished” one though.

My bedroom is a haven for my soul.
~ LOL! My bedroom is where I hang out on-line WAY, WAY too much.

My dreams are insightful and provide a passageway to my inner realms.
~ I have better dreams as a non-smoker; however, I don’t remember enough to make a difference. While I was RAW, it was getting even more intense AND I was also remembering more.

The clothes in my closet reflect who I am and who I desire to become.
~ Kinda. The clothes reflect my desire to be comfortable in my fat-ass body. And most of my clothing also reflects my clothing budget.

I truly relax and feel safe in my bedroom.
~ I do feel safe – - not so sure about the relaxing part. I really need to get the computer out of here in order to “relax” – - just not sure where I would work better??

I sleep well in my bedroom and when I wake up in the morning, I am refreshed.
~ LMAO! Uh, no. I have a really hard time getting to sleep….partially because I think that my sleep cycles are different than most people….and partially because my bed is not super comfortable. I miss the waterbed.

All of the objects in my bedroom give me joy and contribute to my feeling balanced.
~ Nope. Most of the items in my bedroom are “business” related (computer, bills, filing boxes) or are practical. We don’t have any “pretties” up, yet.

KITCHEN
I feel energized, health, and vital in my kitchen.
~ Not really. I feel irritated and cluttered in my kitchen. I was feeling better when I was RAW, though.

Food prepared in my kitchen looks and feels healthy and empowering.
~ Well, I suppose that depends on whom you ask. LOL!! Apparently my Honey and the kids like my cooking….me, not so much.

My soul feels nourished in my kitchen.
~ Again, not so much. I feel like it is a chore; therefore, I don’t really much like being in the kitchen.

I feel creative and get inspired when I prepare food.
~ And yet again, not so much. Mostly I feel like I have to do this so it feels like a chore. Sometimes I get creative – - but, usually it is not so pleasurable.

BATHROOM
The energy in my bathroom feels cleansing and healing.
~ Actually, the energy in my bathroom is more cleaning and eliminating.

The bathroom is a place where I purify and renew myself.
~ Nope, The bathroom is where I do my business and get out.

I feel comfortable and safe in my bathroom.
~ I do feel comfortable and safe.

When I look in the mirror, I feel good about what I see.
~ For the most part, I feel good about myself. I have a couple chin hairs that are pissing me off – - and those wrinkles around my eyes are getting a little deeper…..otherwise, it’s all good.

LIVING ROOM
My living room is a safe haven for me.
~ Actually, our living room is becoming more comfortable all the time. I have added cool curtains and some really nice “pretties” on the wall…..we have a nice TV and surround sound….it’s all coming together.

I love or use all of the objects in this room.
~ Actually, we are getting WAY better in the living room – - the only “cluttery” part of the LR is the book shelf….and I am pondering what to do with it. I LOVE the book shelf – - and want it filled with my books – - I just need to figure out how to do it and keep it looking nice!!

Friends and family feel great when they are here.
~ Well, I don’t have many friends….certainly none that have come to my house…however, our little family is getting more and more comfortable with the LR!! James has commented on how much he really likes the changes!!

My living room is clutter free.
~ Again, with the exception of the book shelves…yes, it is.

It feels warm and inviting.
~ I think it does.

My energy goes up with every object in this room. (In other words, I love everything in this room – - and don’t keep stuff there just to keep others happy.)
~ For the most part – - I still have a few things I am working on, though.

DINING ROOM
When I eat, it is a pleasant, sensual experience.
~ LMAO!! Actually, we push over all the homeschool crap and hope to god that we can sit comfortably with our dinner plates. I thought changing the back room into the homeschool room would take care of that – - but, it didn’t….we are most comfortable in the heart of the house.

I cherish and support my body by eating food that empowers my body and spirit.
~ LOL! I am eating sugar like it’s going outta style….since it will in January.

GARAGE
I use and/or love the objects that I have stored.
~ Most of the stuff in the garage is James’ and yes, he is in all kinds of love with John Deere.

The objects that I have stored are used periodically. (There are no items that are broken or haven’t been used in the last three years.)
~ I’d say half the objects are either used periodically or have recently been put in the “yard sale box pile” and the other half hasn’t seen the light of day in YEARS.

GENERAL HOME
It feels good to approach my front entrance.
~ For the most part, yes.

The entrance into my home is easily accessible and I use my front door.
~ For our family, it is easily accessible; however, I just realized that it is not as easily accessible for the handicap. We do use the front door,

Every time I enter my home, I feel welcomed and my energy rises.
~ Well, so long as no one has put food in the trash…yes….otherwise, I get pissed off with the bad smell. (I can easily go a week without taking out the trash….as long as my family doesn’t throw food in the trash.)

My home is clean and cared for.
~ Hmmm. Well, it is not up to my Mom’s standards; however, it is also not nasty. I don’t have trash lying all over, I certainly don’t have bugs, my laundry baskets are never overflowing, my kitchen is cleaned nightly……so, it’s okay….not perfect.

My plants and animals are healthy and cared for.
~ I have neither plants nor animals.

I love my home and feel great just being in it.
~ For the most part, yes.

There are beautiful things in my home that make me feel good.
~ We are slowly making our home what we want it to be.

My home feels health and vibrant.
~ For the most part, yes.

There are very few things that I am “putting up with” in my home environment.
~ Actually, there are a lot of things that I can’t seem to figure out what to do with – - but, much of our “clutter” is finding its way out the door….little by little.

The photographs of people in my home are of people whom I love and cherish and who lobe and cherish me.
~ I don’t have many photos displayed – - but, the ones I do show the people I love.

AUTOMOBILE
I love the environment of my vehicle and feel good when I am there.
~ UGH – most of the time, no. It is cluttery and needs a good cleaning. (I keep thinking I will get it detailed, which is one of the perks once I quit smoking….but, other things seem to take precedence….you know, like food and electricity. LOL!)

I play radio stations/tapes/CD’s that uplift, inspire or inform me.
~ Hmmm. I usually listen to music that I like….or, if I plan, we listen to books on CD.

I feel protected in my vehicle.
~ For the most part, yes.

I care for my vehicle through periodic maintenance, cleaning and oil changes.
~ LOL!! Well, the oil changes and maintenance are up to date…..no so much with the cleaning.

MY WORK
I love my work.
~ Most of the time, I am okay with what I do.

I feel creative and inspired with I am at work.
~ LOL – - I rarely feel creative and inspired….least of all when I am “at work.”

I really enjoy the other people with whom I work.
~ Yes, I really enjoy my husband and my daughter!!

I am not “putting up with” any person or any work situation.
~ At this time, that is correct.

I feel no undue pressure, and I have the time I need to feel productive and joyous.
~ Dang, this one is “loaded.” Most of the time, I don’t feel any pressure and I do have time to feel productive; although most of it I waste with the stupid ass internet that I love so much – - and as far as “joyous” is concerned…LOL…

My place of employment is health for my body and soul.
~ Except for that damn internet habit I have…..yes, it is good for me.

I am constantly growing and learning new things.
~ YES!!! YES, with the internet I AM constantly learning new things….wow, look how good that it is for me!!! And yes, I do feel like I am growing and maturing in my life.

I feel appreciated and supported by my boss/co-workers/etc.
~ LOL!! Well, for the most part, yes, I do feel appreciate – - and my husband supports anything I want to do!!

Day1: Level 2: Steps and Leaps-Bridging the Breach

This is an exercise from Denise Linn’s book Soul Coaching, where she describes “discovering the breach,” or distance between where you are now and where you want to be – - grade the distance in steps or leaps.
I will use a 1-100 scale.

Issue I Am/I Wanna Be

Self-Esteem 20/ 80
Needs of Others before my Own 60/ 50
Worry/Frustration 30/ 10
Resentment/Bitterness 20/ 10
Shame/Guilt 80/ 20
Anger/Irritation 40/ 10
Fear 80/ 20
Feeling Overwhelmed 40/ 20
Self-Motivation 10 /80
Creativity 10/ 50
Joy/Enthusiasm 20/ 70
Inner Peace 60/ 80
Relationships with Friends 20/ 60
Relationship with Lover 70/ 90
Relationship with Family 30 /70
Forgiving Myself/Others 20/ 70
Sexuality 40/ 80
My Past 60/ 20
Job/Work/Career 40/ 60
Finance/Abundance 70/ 90
Physical Health 30/ 80

Although logically I realize that my choices each day result in the direction my life takes; sometimes, it feels like my life is completely random and out of my control.
The days that I want to curl-up in the fetal position and blame the universe are usually the first in a series of “wake-up calls.” I have to take a step back and decide what I am upset about and then track the decisions backward until I can ascertain where I made the decision which caused the issue to “de-rail.”
For example, when my bio-mom decided to sever our relationship, I had to step-back and determine what decision I made that led to where we were. I realized that it led back to the day she dropped off my kids in Goodland, KS. We had originally planned to meet in Colby (about 45 miles East of Goodland), spend the night and have some catch-up time. As the month progressed, she realized that her finances would not support an overnight visit, so we discussed just a day visit. At one point, she suggested meeting in Goodland and while together, we could tour the town, as it was her old stompin’ grounds. At the time, I thought it was a great idea and had agreed to doing the tour. The day we met had actually been rather stressful and several things were not as planned: she brought her husband and dog and I had just encountered two days of serious relationship discord with my BFF and my husband. This led to my asking to beg-off the tour. That decision led to the complete unraveling of our relationship.
The point of my story was to illustrate what Sarah Ban Breathnach describes as “The Chain of Chance” in her book Something More., “Of course, the chain of chance can only lead us to our destiny.”

Every day is a change to begin an adventure – - another opportunity to make choices which will lead to the rest of our lives. We can engage the “auto-pilot” and feel like out lives are random – - OR – - we can make conscious choices which will lead to our Authentic Lives….our Destiny.

This is my Day. My Day to make those choices which will lead to the life I want to live.

Denise Linn, in her book, Soul Coaching, suggests for Day 1: Level 1: Assessing Your Life, to take some time to assess where you are in your life right now, in regards to: health, relationships, finances, career, creativity, and spiritual fulfillment. Also, write out your intention for the next 28 days.

Well, as I said, I will go through this gook at my own pace – - and 28 days won’t cover it…but, I will attempt to write an intention of sorts for the length of the “program.” That said, here is my assessment and intention:

Health
~ According to conventional health care, I am slightly overweight, but otherwise in excellent health.
~ For the most part, and comparatively speaking, I believe I am in good health; however, it is not as I would like it.

Relationships
Right now, I am carrying some excess “relationship” baggage, which I need to deal with, There are some severed relationships I haven’t’ “gotten over,” some that are stagnant, and a couple that are just sucking the life-force out of me,
~ Most of my immediate familial relationships are either very good or are being “worked on” for improvement.
~ I, very rarely, make myself available for new relationships. I need to re-focus my priorities in this department: step-up the importance of certain relationships and let go of the riff-raff.

Finances
~ I am okay with the department. We are “living within our means.”
~ Even though I am pleased in this area, I would like to make some additional improvements: paying off a few “revolving” debts and then just “maintain.”
~ Our “side jobs” or “fun money” has provided us with some cool perks: John Deere riding lawnmower, bitchin’ weed eaters, leaf blower, living room ‘pretties,’ and cool gifts.

Career
~ Right now I am a SAHM who home schools and sells H&GP on the side.
~ For the most part, I enjoy what I do and haven’t “actively” searched for alternative employment, recently, I do think about what I wanna do “when I grow up” – - and sometimes fantasize about jobs I’d like to have; however, in the end, I really like hangin’ with my kid and being available when needed.

Creativity
~ Where to even start…..

~ I suppose I should just come out of the creativity closet and say, “I have very little creativity.”

 

Spiritual Fulfillment
~ This will probably get a snicker or two from some of you…..LOL!

~ Since I am “agnostic” – - I feel very good about continuing my “spiritual journey” even though I am pretty comfortable in my “beliefs.” For whatever reason, thie is one of my favorite topics of research and I am excited to continue.

“Small events and choices determine the direction of our lives just as small helms determine the directions of great ships.”
– M. Russell Ballard 

Sarah says {in her book, Something More}: “…-the things that, when recalled, still have a special meaning for you. [....] What small things are you taking with you from the life you’re leading tight now? Select one today with care, and savor it.”

Quite honestly, most of my memories of childhood, no matter how positive, have some sort of negative connection to them. I don’t know if that is “normal” – - but, I do think it is “common.”

I had a distinct memory when I read the passage today – - and another while I was typing this. I’ll go ahead and talk about them both. The one that occurred to me while I was typing actually happened first {chronologically}….so, I’ll start there.

When I was in third grade, I was considered “gifted” or “advanced,” reading higher than my grade-level peers; however, the ladies that ran the RIF (Reading is FUNdamental) table did not know this, so when I chose a 5^th grade level book, I was chastised. In order to be allowed to take the book, I had to read (aloud) a page from the book and then give her a quick synopsis of the page. The book I chose was Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder. To this day, when I see that book (hear about it, etc.), I {internally} swell with pride at the memory of proving my worth to a complete stranger.

The second memory was from middle school….6^th grade, to be exact. I was considered a “loser” in the school’s clique – - and, quite honestly, I am not even sure why. I suppose you need to have “losers” ’cause not everyone can be a “winner.” In any case, I think it was the first dance of the year, held at the community building (the smaller one), for the entire middle school (6^th through 8^th grades). {Our school was rinky-dink….I think our graduating class was around 30 or so students…..}. I don’t remember how it happened or why, but I remember, as a newbie-loser 6^th grader, dancing with one of the most popular guys in 8^th grade. I don’t remember the name of the song, but when I hear it today, it always stops me dead in my tracks and for a nano-second I an transported back to that magical moment. Of course, once the immediate magic is gone, and while I am still lingering in that moment, emotions from that horrible time also come rushing back…..and it sucks ass!!
Now, I am fully aware that I wasn’t treated the worst and I am also aware that my treatment, in the grand scheme of things wasn’t that bad….but, I tell you what, it definitely left it’s mark. So-called friends dumped me ’cause I wasn’t cool, I was called names (big nose, albino) and I was treated like a second class citizen (until it came to sex….and then, it didn’t matter much what you looked like, or what clique you belonged to, so long as you put out).

This exercise is suppose to bring back some of those cherished “little moments” – - you know, the ones with no negative feelings riding the coat-tails. Perhaps, at some point, I can figure out a way to disengage from the negative – - or just find some of those loner positive moments. Wish me luck!! LOL!!

 

 

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
– Charles “Tremendous” Jones

How ‘about you, what are some of YOUR magical little moments?